My second borns birthday is coming up, she is going to be 3! I can’t quite believe it, soon she will be starting nursery and it will just be me and the littlest at home for a wee bit of the day. Also though, realising it has been 3 year, also means that it’s been nearly 3 year since my whole world turned upside down and it went from normal, to not so normal. 3 year of a constant battle with my own mind, feeling like crap, and not feeling good enough.
I thought it would of went away, especially by now, but it seems having postnatal depression/anxiety is with me for life now. I’m not saying I didn’t experience any of this before having my daughter, anxiety has always been with me. Ever since I remember I hated answering phones/phoning people, having to order food, having to go to the till and pay for something, and I also experienced the odd heart palpitation due to some anxiety, but it was nothing like what hit me in 2016.
I can pin point that first day I had a proper panic attack, and I hate thinking about it because I was in the middle of bathing the kids and it started, and I freaked out and made it all worse, but I didn’t know what was happening to me, because at the time I didn’t think it was a panic attack. It took me months, 6 month to be exact to realise that it was indeed anxiety and depression that I was feeling and I wasn’t dying/crazy. It took me so long to admit something was wrong, but when I did it was the best thing I ever did,
Still though, 3 years on it isn’t gone, and I’ve just had to accept that this is my life, which sucks because I would do anything to go back to having a ‘normal’ mind, because that’s what it is, it’s my mind playing tricks on me, it makes me think the worst is happening, when in reality it isn’t. A small thing to most, is a much more bigger and drastic thing for me. One thing I can say though, is that I have learnt to stop myself from getting into a proper panic attack, I notice when it’s about to start, and I calm myself down enough and talk myself out of it, which is a huge step from where I was at.
Its the accepting that this is my life now that makes it hard, because I don’t want to live this way. Some would probably look at me and think I’m completely fine, and I don’t have crazy thoughts going through my head, and that’s the worst part about mental health, if it’s not noticeable then it must no be real, but trust me, it’s oh so very real. If you could see what I thought, and could experience it for one day you would understand. Even writing this has made me think about it and the anxiousness is back, it’s constant, never ending. A battle with my own mind, and it sucks. X