It will get easier with time

Or so they said anyway, I mean, don’t get me wrong it has got a little easier, but it still hurts just as much now as it did then. It’s been nearly 2 year without my dad now, but it feels like it’s been so much longer than that, I try to remember the last time I seen him, and by that I don’t mean in the funeral home, or in hospital in a coma, I mean, the last time I properly really did see him. And I can’t remember anymore, I can’t remember what we did, or when it was, and that hurts so much. I still have all our text messages, I’ve kept all of them, as I can go back and look at them and try to picture what the last time I seen him was like, but I think it wasn’t a good day(in hospital the week before he died for a reason I’m not going into)so I suppose it makes sense why I’ve tried to block out the last time I seen him, because it wasn’t how I wish it was. I wish it was him, being with me and the children, going out somewhere, or taking the little man to football, but it wasn’t like that, not atal.

I dread the questions from my son, only because it hurts him asking me why, I love he still talks about him, but I hate him telling me he wishes he was still here, because that is horrible. My 6 year old(at the time he passed away 4 year old)should of had so much more time with his grandad, we all should of had so much more time with him. His youngest child was only 13 when he passed away, that is way too young to lose your dad. My second born(only just turned 1 at the time)doesn’t even know who he is, I show her pictures and say grandad but she doesn’t understand, because she can’t remember him, and well my youngest, she never got the chance to meet him.

I often wonder what his reaction would of been to finding out I was having another, no doubt laughing and saying for god sake! I was always scared of how my dad would react to me being pregnant every time I had to say, but he never cared, he was always so happy for me! It was my mum that got mad every time near enough, and my dad would be the one to see that it wasn’t the end of the world. He really was an amazing grandad, spoiled the kids every time he saw them, and took them to football games.

Something that bothers me the most though, is people stop talking, stop caring as much, because time goes by for everyone else and they move on, but it isn’t so easy for the family to just ‘move on’. I mean, maybe it’s easier if you know they have lived a long and happy life, got to see there kids and grandchildren grow up, it would still suck of course, but atleast you know that they had plenty time here. When life is cut short for someone though, and they still had so much to do/see, that it makes you have so many more questions. I never want people to forget, talk about him still, bring him up to me, I’ll happily have a conversation all about him.

Dad, you are so loved and so missed by us all. What I would give to see you just one more time, but then, as I’ve said so many times before, I don’t think we would let you go, and it would hurt to lose you all over again. X

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