Ah, it’s started again, it didn’t take long, the anxiety, the feeling like I can’t breath, the having to constantly remind myself that it’s all in my head. You see, I thought it would be a good idea to come of the one thing that was helping keep me sane, I didn’t need them anymore I thought. Now, I don’t know if it’s just my body trying to adjust itself and while doing that it’s bringing back on all my horrible feelings/thoughts when I’m anxious, or if this is just my life now, forever.
I know when it’s starting to get bad again as even the simplest of things fill me with dread. Tidying up? Nah no thanks, putting a wash on, I’d rather not, going for a shower and washing my hair? That takes too much energy, energy that I just don’t have. Obviously I do it, but it makes me so annoyed doing it, I make sure that the kids are fed/washed and dressed and the rest I couldn’t care about. Then it’s kind of a horrible thing, because when my house is a mess my anxiety is so much worse, but I don’t wanna do anything about it, that sounds stupid right? Trust me though, when I’m at my worst it takes me all my energy to even move from my bed.
I remember the last time I felt normal, it was March 2016, that feels so long ago, I remember it all so well, but then at the same time, I also feel like I can’t remember what it feels like to not have this constant dread feeling. I don’t enjoy much, I feel my anti depressants make me feel nothing atal, I just feel numb. I don’t want to feel like that anymore, I just want to feel normal, like what I felt because all this post natal rubbish came along.
Its like my mind is my own worst enemy, constantly making me think of the worst, and not letting me enjoy one single thing. The only thing that makes me truly happy is my children, and other than that, I don’t feel like I have much to be happy about. I’m stuck in a tiny flat, with more debt than I would like to admit. Honestly, right now, I just want to feel happy, without the feeling of anxiousness in the back of my mind. I’m constantly thinking what have I done to deserve this? Why can’t I just be happy, why can’t just one thing go right for me, just one.
I was hoping 2019 was going to be a good one, but so far, it’s looking like it’s just going to be another year like last year. Surely it isn’t normal to rely on these pills to make me feel ok, why can’t I feel ok without them? I felt ok before all this came along and ruined everything, but now, it’s like I can’t live without them. I’ve tried numerous times to get of these, and I always end up right back on them again, every single time! I’ve been to counselling, worked for a while, I’ve tried talking to a mental health nurse, I’ve tried everything I can possible think of and nothing.
Next is cbt, but honestly, I don’t think that will do anything for me either, and the waiting list is over a year wait! I am beginning to think I just need to accept that this is my life now, and that is not something I am ok with accepting but what else can I do. Maybe it will just take more time, maybe in a few years I’ll feel better? I hope anyway, cause I don’t want this to be the way I feel forever. I want to be happy for my kids sake, I want everything to be perfect for them, I don’t want them to look back when they are older and remember me on my worst days. That’s my biggest motivation to keep trying, them, my kids x