When it’s always been him, but it hasn’t always been you…

Ah, it’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything, and that’s because, in August, my heart was well and truly broken. God it hurts so bad still, I think it always will feel this way, I hope not, but right now, I don’t see it ever getting better.

You see, I’ve loved Craig for aslong as I can remember, it was always us, always him, it’s all I’ve ever wanted since I was 15. I got him, and then I would lose him again, continue this cycle for a bit until we split for 3 years and I had Riley. And then, I got him again, the guy that I first fell in love with all those years ago, the one I just couldn’t seem to get over. We had babies, got engaged, moved in together and had everything I could ever dream off. I had never been happier, and never been more in love than in that moment.

I should of knew it was too good to be true, because as usual, he left, he didn’t want me anymore, I didn’t make him happy, and he didn’t love me anymore. Hearing those words, tore me apart, I didn’t cry at first, it didn’t hit me until I told someone else about it, and then I cried for hours on end, I cried while holding my baby, our baby. How could he leave us like this? My son cried, we cried together, why? I thought my heart had broke the other times he left, but this was different, this was a different kind of hurt.

I blocked him, on everything, but then I unblocked him, I missed him already? It hadn’t even been a day and I missed him. He left like I was nothing, and I suppose, now I was, all I was is the mother of his children, he said he didn’t love me, how cruel I thought. Everything I had been through in a year and a half, depression, my dad dying, an unplanned pregnancy, I kept it together, and kept going, and I did my best to keep us happy, but my best wasn’t good enough. How could I go through this aswel? And then, I got more devastating news(very personal though so I cannot share as it’s something I am still sorting through).

My life was falling apart in front of me, I had never had a day away from Craig since 2016, 2 years, and now, he was gone, and I had 3 kids to look after, do you know how hard it is to look after kids while your heart is breaking? When all you want to do is cry, when you don’t feel happy but you have to atleast try and smile. That first month was horrific, tbh, it’s not much better, but what can I do?

I’ve became someone I never wanted too, trying to convince someone to want you, trying your best to be what you think they want, and then it still isn’t enough. I suppose sometimes you just aren’t good enough for some people, and that’s the situation I guess I am in. I wish I could say I didn’t love him just as much as I always have, cause I do, I love him so much.

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