Life after loss

So, since I’ve already wrote about losing my dad, I thought i’d now write about life after, dealing with the aftermath. That day will always remain in my mind, the day when they said it’s time, who are they to tell us when the time has come to turn off the machine? Why does it need to be turned off? Why can’t we keep it on, we need him. I remember saying too my mum, I don’t care if he needs help for his whole life now, I will help him, I’ll do whatever he will need, I just want him to be ok, I want him to open his eyes, look at us all and smile and tell us its all going to be ok. That isn’t what we got though was it, I was devastated/heartbroken.

The lovely lady that was looking after him was amazing, i’ll forever be grateful to her, so caring and nice, honestly she was such a star and made it all a little more easier. She got us pictures of his handprint, and cut little bits of his hair that we could keep, and then we all just took turns sitting with him, holding his hand, talking too him. And in and out we went so different family and close friends could go in and see him, I spent a lot of the time lying on the sofa as I was shattered, I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and I could barely keep my eyes open.

He had all his family around him, and everyone stayed in the room while it got turned off, except me, I couldn’t do it. They told us he could gasp for air/cough and stuff and that was enough for me, I couldn’t watch that, so instead, the lovely lady that was looking after him said I will come and get you right away, so I left and got craig and cried. It felt like I waited an eternity, but in reality, it was a few minutes. She came back and got me, and I walked back over, held his hand and cried. I couldn’t stop, I cried for what felt like ages, and then after 10 minutes, it was time to go. Oh how that hurt, my heart broke into a million pieces, I didn’t want too leave him, but I knew we had too. We said goodbye to the lovely lady(I wish I could remember her name but I can’t)and we left, but then I ran back in a couple minutes later too let craig say goodbye aswel, and that lovely lady I have been talking about, had been crying, she said sorry and I just thought why are you saying sorry? I couldn’t do your job, I couldn’t stand and watch a families heart be torn into pieces and not get upset.

A few hours after he passed away, the news had gotten out, and when I went on Facebook I was shocked. Lots of posts had been made, and was now on football pages on Facebook, pictures had been made, and honestly, it made me even more emotional. And then, people started making tops with him on it, people got fordy 44 on the back of hibs tops, it was amazing. My dad was some guy, he knew how to annoy people, and boy did he annoy a lot of people, but he also had a heart of gold, and was so funny with a drink in him, but yet now, we could see how many people loved him. I was the proudest daughter ever seeing everything going on, everyone posting about him, I just thought, yes, thats my dad use are all talking about.

Next, we had to pick the funeral songs, we picked his favourites, but one that always drove me a little mad, because he would come in drunk and get me to sing it with him, even though he knew I barely knew the words. Now, I love it though, I’ve told craig he has to start singing it with the girls, he never sings though, so he told me no(he sucks). Going too see him for the very last time in the funeral home was hard, we took things in to put in the coffin with him, I took a picture of my kiddies, held his hand once more, and left because I just couldn’t take it, he looked so peaceful and like he had a little smirk on his face.

And then, the football game, a post on Facebook had went around to get a 44th minute applause at the hibs game for him, so lots of us met up and went along for the game, the game fell on the day I had booked my kids joint birthday party, but luckily we made it still even if we had to rush the party a little. It was amazing, and I of course recorded it as its something I want to be able to look back on. And then, the worst day of all, the funeral, well, let’s just say I’ve never cried so much in my life, but it was amazing too see the turn out and see everyone that came. Dad, I had never felt more proud in my life to be your daughter.

The next month was hard, especially the questions from riley, he just didn’t understand, but still knew that his grandad was away, its so difficult with young ones around. Then we got the biggest shock that would keep us going, our youngest baby, she gave me happiness back, the pregnancy would keep me going and keep me from falling back into feeling depressed, she was everything I needed, and she came at the right time.

It may have been a year, but it still feels like yesterday, and I think no matter how much time passes, it will still always hurt the same amount. I am one incredibly proud daughter, and I hope he is just as proud of me. X

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