Post natal depression/anxiety, something I never thought I would struggle with. God, I was so naive, I didn’t believe that it was a thing, I always thought, how could someone ever feel like that after having a baby? Its the best thing in the world, surely that means its the happiest time of your life, no?! Lets just say, the first weeks passed by in a blur, and then I started to notice it, the not wanting to be left alone, crying over anything and everything, and panicking. When it came to craig going to work, I would dread it, the weirdest thoughts would come into my head, like, what if something happens to me and the baby is left all by herself? What if, when I’m taking riley to nursery, we get hit by a car?
Then I started thinking, I couldn’t breath all the time, and I would phone my mum crying, saying I can’t breath, come to mine, and she would have to rush over, by the time she got over I was usually over the worst, but still, I then didn’t let her leave for ages after. To say, this tested mine and craigs relationship would be a lie, I barely left the house, as the what ifs scared me too much. I was not getting out my bed, and if I did it was only to lie on the sofa. I barely ate, I went down to my lowest weight which was under 8 stone and I just couldn’t function properly. Life was horrible, I was not enjoying being a mum again, and I just felt like I was no way the mother I was before she came along. Parenting riley was just so natural and easy, and then now his sister came along and I was finding it all so difficult.
I would cry, and say, I can’t do this, you need to take the kids, I’m not a good parent anymore. Thats honestly what I believed, the thoughts I was having kept being so negative, and I then decided I was making everyone else around me miserable. At my lowest, I got an on call doctor out to the house as I convinced myself something terrible was happening to me, oh and lets not forget the trip to hospital I also took aswel. After more nights of crying, and having 3 miserable months I just couldn’t do it anymore. My mum made an appointment at the doctors, and we went, and I cried, especially when I got told it was depression, as I had told so many people it wasn’t that.
Off I went with my prescription for my medication, and now, the challenge, was getting me to actually take it, which of course, I was too scared to actually do, so instead I lied, and pretended I actually did, and continued to make myself miserable for a further 3 weeks before my mum dragged me back yet again.This time, I was given, different medication to try, and I did it, I took it, and as soon as I did, I convinced myself that it made me feel terrible and that I couldn’t take it anymore. Thankfully though, I did take it, I decided to give it a try. After 2 weeks with no difference we went back to the doctors again, who upped it by 20mg, and after 2 weeks on that strength, finally, I was feeling better.
At around 6 month after birth, I then seen the health visitor, who I told what had been happening, and she suggested I go speak to someone, which I jumped at the chance too, and it was the best thing I ever did. The first day, I cried, but it worked, and I spent 15 weeks at the place, going once a week, I missed a few weeks though, through holidays and one sick baby, but apart from that I went every week. They had a little nursery for the children aswel, and they even took them for 3 hours so I could go do the foodshop myself once. Honestly, it was great, and so helpful.
If you feel this way, and need anyone to talk too, I am 100% here to rant to or whatever! Don’t feel alone, cause you aren’t x