Loss

It’s something we all experience in life, and when it comes to your parents, you know it’s going too happen eventually, but when it comes around so out of the blue, and smacks you right in the face, god does that hurt. I never imagined I would lose a parent, before I lost my gran and grandad, how crazy is that? They are older, so you sort of expect them to go first, but in my case, I lost a parent first, my dad. A year on, it still hasn’t sunk in, it still doesn’t feel real too me, I don’t think it ever will though, how can he be gone when all his kids haven’t even finished school yet? How can he be gone before he has got to meet all the grandchildren he would ever have.

Who is going to walk me down the aisle, who is going to take my kids to the football? Who is going to nag me when I do something I probably shouldn’t? All the things you should be here to do, you won’t be able too now. You didn’t get to see my riley in his school uniform on his first day of school, you won’t be able to see all the things the kids will ever do in life, whether thats football, dancing, gymnastics. All I can do is show them pictures, and tell them all about you. The only one that will remember meeting you is Riley.

I remember that night so well, it’s always in the back of my mind, stuck in my mind, not budging. I remember the phone call so well, do you know when you just know, before the words have even been said? I just had a bad feeling come over me, and as soon as I got told the words your dad has collapsed I just knew what it would of been down too. See, my dad had already had 2 heart attacks, and that night, he had the one that in the end, took him away from us. I remember the car ride, the not knowing, but really telling craig over and over again that I bet it’s a heart attack. I remember the getting too the hospital, at a&e and saying my dads just been brought in, where is he? And all the questions, god those questions made me mad, just tell me where my dad is, I don’t care what you have to say too me. Obviously I answered them, and then they took me to the relatives room, where we got told someone would be in with us soon, but soon took forever. And when the time did come, I just thought how has this happened again, why?!

They put him in a coma, and got told they would do tests on him once they had got him settled, but since it was now the middle of the night that would be done in the morning. I don’t know what is worse either, is it worse just losing someone who means the world too you, or is it worse to have hope, that they might pull through, to then be told that they won’t and instead you need to turn the one thing off that is keeping them breathing? Who wants to do that, who would ever be ok with that, but you know its the right thing to do, but its also the last thing you ever want to do and you find yourself trying to stall it for aslong as possible. Just another hour, just another 10 minutes, please just don’t do it ever?

I have a photo, of his handprint, and a little bit of hair(he didn’t have much left, baring in mind he was only 44, poor sod)and that is the most amazing thing I own now, that, along with my pandora bracelet that he got me 3 months before he passed away. It will never get any easier, that I know for sure, it’s a pain I don’t think you can ever explain too someone, you will only know, when it is you that goes through it. You find the strength you need to carry on, but still, you have days when you just want to lie down and not move. I didn’t have that option though, I still had 2 kids that needed me, and tbh, I needed them just as much, they got me through it, they got me through the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. You are so loved, and so missed dad, thanks for being the best dad/grandad we could of ever wished for. x

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1 thought on “Loss

  1. Im in tears hun! Sorry for your loss! ♥️

    Like

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